So I haven’t posted here in like a week, mostly because I’ve had some crazy writers block, but even more so because I had a lot to work out internally. I’ve been suffering a lot in my new life because my entire life I have cared so much about what people think about me. So much so that my perception of myself was governed by the perceptions of other people, or at least what I perceived them to be. All of a sudden I’m in this brand new place where nobody knows me, and being myself has become very ambiguous. It’s been very uncomfortable up until the last day or two, but I’m finally starting to accept that I get to decide more and more of who I am every day.
Today I looked in the mirror and actually smiled at myself. I didn’t cringe even a little bit! I posted something to that effect on Facebook and was practically overcome with positive feedback and love from some very dear friends who know my struggles and support me. Everything about my life today is beautiful and perfect.
A lot of my positive outlook may be coming from the fact that I finally finished my fourth step today. For those unfamiliar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, step four is: We took a searching and fearless moral inventory. For most people, this is a rather intimidating step. My first run at step four triggered an acid flashback accompanied by a panic attack and ending with me laying on the ground in the fetal position hugging myself. Today I just wrote it out, and it was relatively simple and showed some very clear patterns in my behaviors and fears. Nearly all of my fears show that I have startlingly low self-confidence.
Tonight after making a meeting out in York where I heard a fantastic speaker, I went bowling with a couple friends from the recovery house I live in. Bowling! Like how normal is that? Anyway I still haven’t written anything new, but I have a whole lot stewing in my brain for the coming days. This one I wrote in rehab on day one of a manic mood swing. Someone was whistling I’ve got a golden ticket from Willy Wonka and it got stuck in my head and became the theme for a remarkable day. Somehow it feels terribly appropriate.
Golden Ticket
I’ve got a golden ticket,
I’m sitting here smiling,
right in the thick of it,
Laughing at the Irony,
My outlook is fixed,
Every minute another win,
I’m only playing for the kicks,
How could I have ignored this ecstasy,
Neglected the joy right next to me,
So much relief as I sigh,
Just so happy to be alive,
So many things to be done,
So many miles to be run,
So many smiles to be won,
Think I’ll overachieve just for fun,
ramblingsofsam 