ay I’m sitting here with a more level head than last time, but I fear that my fears are only better disguised.
I’ve been feeling the better the last three days on a surface and slightly deeper level, but I have this guilty terrifying feeling that I didn’t quite leave my bad behavior in January. I just cleaned it up a bit. I’m substituting risk-taking behaviors, but also challenging the status quo a little bit and seriously considering making some changes in a couple of areas.
You know I sat here wanting to write this all out and painting it all bad tonight, but honestly I don’t think that’s fair. This week I’m having money thrown my way for the first time in 2018 which is an enormous weight off my chest. I can’t discount enough how much financial stress affects me, and even just the feeling of being trapped by the lease on my apartment, monthly bills, and obligations. It all weighs so heavy.
- Don’t get into bed and not get out for a month. Don’t you fucking dare.
- Don’t get fired from your job like you did last time. We all remember how that went.
- Don’t get emotional and leave your job without solid prospects.
And the fact of the matter is that when the money is flowing more freely and I’m working regularly, that’s an entire facet of my depression/neuroses that’s just no longer even a factor. Other than feeling trapped in a more basic way because I can’t leave without breaking my lease, but I can chalk that up to adulthood and leading a stable life. I guess.
I’m going to try so hard to make it back to the gym this week. For like two months my body was like transforming daily, it was the first time I’d ever started working out and It felt amazing. I had all this positive body image and self-esteem and feelings of empowerment just from something I was doing. Like a positive feedback loop. I need to try so hard.
In a month and three days I have my intake to get back into counseling. I haven’t seen a counselor or a doctor without a tablecloth between us in over three years. I don’t know if I mentioned this so far, but on December 14th in the late hours I purchased myself a health insurance policy. Another first in three years, being a card-carrying insurance policy holder.
I have so many things bouncing around in my head, like plot-lines, or possible destinies and they’re such unreliable sources of information or advice because they all shout just as loudly that they are real and happening now and their prognosis is doom for me. I need accountability for all these different voices and viewpoints.
The voices in my head are not disembodied or from external sources. Everyone of the voices is mine. They are a collection of perspectives from all the people that have ever loved me. It’s like my brain is constantly collecting new personalities to add to the algorithm. It’s like a nervous habit, if I examine the situation from every perspective I can imagine, I won’t make the wrong decision. When I’m up this amounts to almost paranormal intuition and charm, it feels effortless like a superpower. When I’m down I can’t turn off the churning sea of voices, and the conclusions they arrive at become more and more far-fetched, more convincing, more damning.
They get louder the longer I go without talking about them, and I know this. The problem is that I believe that I can hold on, that I can handle whatever the voices throw at me. The problem is that I have to believe that I can do this, because the voices want me to melt into a big puddle of panic and ruin everybody’s shoes…
Here I am babbling, but I think the only thing I really want to say is that I’m going to try really hard this week.
Here is an absolute mess for you. Rough draft, barely proofread, and unexamined. Refrain from the throwing of rotten fruits and vegetables.
I’m an emotional mutant serving time in a dystopian dreamscape, my mouth agape, and as I look on the omens morph and rearrange and conspire to see me engulfed in flames. But all the while amidst the fire I smile because I want the same thing that they do. I know I can’t stay true through the miles ahead and I welcome the crooked end. And there’s where I belong just beyond the bend where I’ve cut everyone off, and I baffle the wildlife, and every dialogue is just a side-swiping monologue designed to slice the ligaments of my best intentions that I meant to see to the end and natural resolution. Here I am with my voices debating final solutions. I can attest this is not my best, but it’s all we’ve got to offer, all this just a karmic plot to alienate everyone who’d even bother to check as we’re fading away, but we’ll be back some other day and wearing some entirely different face.
PS: Through some wordpress glitch I wasn’t able to publish this for several days. I say this just in case I write tomorrow from a far different perspective.